the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
