Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
