the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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