my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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