Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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