Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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