You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
