obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
