So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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