i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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