Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
