woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
