I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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