So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if only i could text you this smell
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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