You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
