What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
