the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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