I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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