I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
