I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
