A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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