smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
