why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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