Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
