I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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