Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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