You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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