apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
