so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I sprained my soul last night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
