Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
