If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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