she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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