Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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