i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
