Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
