Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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