I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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