i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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