actually, I'm a sock model
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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