i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
