Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
