Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
