i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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