youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
