Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
