Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
