I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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