i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
