When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
