I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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