Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
